Halacha Date: 15 Av 5773 July 22 2013
Today is Tu Be’av, the Fifteenth of Av, which is indeed connected to the idea of marriage, as we have discussed in the previous Halachot.
The Mishnah in Masechet Avot (Chapter 5, Mishnah 21) states: “One should get married at eighteen.” Maran Ha’Shulchan Aruch rules likewise that the obligation to get married begins at the age of eighteen.
Why the Mitzvah of Marriage Begins at the Age of Eighteen
Why indeed does the Mitzvah to get married begin at eighteen years old? One becomes obligated in all other Mitzvot of the Torah at the age of twelve or thirteen. What makes the Mitzvah of marriage different that it begins at the age of eighteen?
There are several explanations for this. Hagaon Harav Yosef Chazzan (one of the greatest sages of Izmir who lived approximately two-hundred years ago) writes in his Sefer Chikreh Lev that the reason may possibly be because our Sages were well aware (even in those times) that a man is not yet prepared to marry a woman until he becomes more spiritually and financially stable, which usually takes place at around eighteen years of age; it is for this reason that our Sages did not obligate one to get married until this age. This is indeed the custom today when even great Torah scholars will advise certain individuals to hold off on getting married until the young man is more prepared for marriage from both a spiritual and material perspective.
How Long May One Postpone Getting Married?
The Gemara in Masechet Kiddushin (29b) states: “Rava said and the same was taught in the Yeshiva of Rabbi Yishmael: Until one is twenty years old, Hashem waits for one to get married. If one reaches the age of twenty and has not yet gotten married, Hashem says, ‘May his bones rot.’” One should therefore try (as much as possible) to get married before the age of twenty. Even if one has not done so, one should not postpone marriage for a very long time. One should strive to do so even nowadays as well; this is indeed the stance of Maran Harav Ovadia Yosef Shlit”a as well as all of the other leading Poskim of the generation who agree that one should not delay marriage for too long. (This matter and the opinion of Maran Shlit”a have been discussed at length in the Hebrew biography on Maran Shlit”a- “Abir Ha’Ro’im”-Volume 1.)
Whom to Marry
Nevertheless, one should not be too hasty and marry any woman that comes his way. One should search for a G-d-fearing woman whose appearance and family are appealing to him and whom one has heard good things about. Similarly, a woman is not commanded to marry any young man offered to her; rather, she should make sure that he is suitable for her. One should not act hastily with regards to marriage, for the ramifications of marriage are eternal.
On the other hand, one should not be overly “picky,” for this may lead to one’s marriage being delayed or may even cause one’s match to break off, G-d-forbid. The punishment for not fulfilling the Mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying is grave indeed. Without a doubt, long, tedious, and exaggerated investigations of either the perspective bride or groom lead nowhere. One should put forth effort as is customary and when things more or less appropriate, one should rely on Hashem with hopes that this is one’s Heavenly opportunity, as the verse states, “Be innocent with Hashem, your G-d” (see Responsa Igrot Moshe, Yoreh De’ah, Volume 1, Chapter 90).
There is likewise no purpose in going out on too many dates; rather, one should act with intellect and logic. The main focus is for one to pray to Hashem to find one’s true marriage match, as our Sages teach us (Berachot 8a), “For this should every pious individual pray to you when it is time to find”- this refers to finding a wife.
