The Torah states: “You shall surely rebuke your fellow but do not bear sin because of him.” We have already quoted the Rambam’s words regarding this matter.
The verse in Mishlei states: “An ear that heeds the discipline of life lodges among the wise.” Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l explains (in his Anaf Etz Avot, page 188) that even when rebuking/disciplining one about a sin, one must do so wisely in a sweet manner so that the recipient will accept the rebuke. One should not rebuke another in a harsh manner.
Indeed, our Sages teach us (Pirke De’Rabbi Eliezer, end of Chapter 44) that just before Moshe Rabbeinu would part ways with the Jewish nation after sojourning in the desert for forty years, he wished to chastise the Jewish nation for what they had exclaimed “Is Hashem among us or not” (as a result of which they were punished by being attacked by Amalek). Moshe thought to himself, “If I tell them this, I will be shaming them, for specifically at this as they part from their beloved, I will be chastising them with harsh words.” Rather, Moshe Rabbeinu said, “I will tell them what occurred when Amalek came to attach the Jewish nation and they will understand on their own what preceded this event.” Thus, the verse states, “Remember what Amalek did to you.”
The following is a parable that illustrates this idea: A king once had a beautiful garden full of beautiful flowers and uniquely magnificent roses. A large dog sat at the entrance of the garden to guard it from intruders.
Once, as the king sat in the palace loft, he looked out the window and saw one of his close and faithful ministers entering the garden and picking roses. Immediately, the guard dog attacked the minister and ripped his clothing; the minister escaped only by the skin of his teeth. The king thought, “If I ask my loyal minister why he entered the garden without permission, he will be ashamed. Rather, in order for him to know that I saw him trespass, I will tell him, ‘I am so sorry that my terrible dog attacked you and tore all your clothing until you were barely able to escape.’ In this way, he will immediately realize that I saw everything he did in the garden.” So too, Moshe Rabbeinu told the Jewish nation, “Remember what Amalek did to you” and the Jewish nation immediately remembered what preceded this event.
The same applies with regards to educating and disciplining one’s children in that it is not always appropriate to reprimand a child directly for his/her improper behavior. On the contrary, sometimes it is more beneficial to address the issue wisely and pleasantly in an indirect manner and this will yield more positive results.
