Question: About a week ago, my brother-in-law, whom we have little connection with, came over to my house. He is a very simple man and an Am Ha’aretz who does not even know one Halacha. I therefore refused to sit down to eat with him at the same table. He was very insulted, and my wife was very upset with me. Who was correct in this situation?
Answer: The Gemara (Sanhedrin 23a) states: “The following were the practices of the scrupulous people of Jerusalem: They would not sign on a document unless they knew who was signing with them, they would not sit down to adjudicate a case unless they knew who their fellow judges were, and they would not sit down to eat a meal unless they knew who was eating with them.” This means that the scrupulous and pious people of Jerusalem would not sit down to eat a meal next to an Am Ha’aretz, which refers to a person who is completely devoid of Torah and good deeds. The Acharonim explain that this was the case even at a meal in celebration of a Mitzvah, for it is shameful for a Torah scholar to sit down to a meal with an Am Ha’aretz. Maran Ha’Shulchan Aruch (Chapter 170) rules likewise.
The great Meiri explains in his Chibur Ha’Teshuva (Meshiv Nefesh, Discourse 1, Chapter 5) that connecting with deplorable people shows a lowliness of the soul, as the verse states, “Do not be with those who guzzle wine or those who glut on meat.” It is for this reason that scrupulous people would avoid sitting down to eat with lowly people. We see that taking care not to follow the ways of such lowly people is considered “scrupulousness.”
Nevertheless, it seems from the Gemara and Poskim that this refers only to those who are extreme low lives, such as those people who always discuss bad things and whose entire lives are empty of any spiritual elevation. However, regarding people who are not proficient in Torah but are intrinsically good people and, on the contrary, want to be close to Torah scholars so that he can infuse them with words of Torah and Mussar and would never, G-d-forbid, mock the Torah, the Sages never meant not to sit down to eat with them.
Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l, who was an extremely scrupulous individual, hosted very secular, extremely ignorant people at his table many times throughout his life and he did not distance them; on the contrary, he utilized the opportunity to shower them with love and bring them closer to Judaism by sharing words of Torah and Mussar that they appreciated very much.
The Sefer Chessed La’Alafim (Section 13) writes that a wise man should act wisely and although it is shameful to sit with an Am Ha’aretz, it is even more shameful to publicly display that we are distancing simpletons and ignoramuses. It really all depends on who it is that is present at the meal: If they are people who wish to hear words of Torah and do not denigrate the Torah, G-d-forbid, it is a Mitzvah to sit with them and keenly steer the conversation towards words of Torah and Mussar. In this way, one will have merited himself and brought merit to others and about such a table does the verse states, “This is the table that is before Hashem.”
He adds that if the individuals are poor and downtrodden who pride themselves about the fact that they are able to sit at the same table as a Torah scholar, it is certainly appropriate to sit with them, as opposed to sitting with other Torah scholars, in order to gladden the spirits of the broken. When they leave, they will proclaim, “We merited sitting at the table with this rabbi!”
As for the above question, unfortunately, you did not act appropriately at all, and you must make sure to make amends with your brother-in-law and your wife and to rectify the situation from hereon in.
