The Gemara in Masechet Mo’ed Katan (17a) recounts how the maidservant of the household of Rabbi Yehuda Ha’Nassi once saw a man striking his older son and exclaimed that this man should be excommunicated because he had transgressed the prohibition of “Do not place a stumbling-block in front of a blind man.” Rashi explains that since this child being hit by his father was not a youngster, this action would probably cause him to denigrate and humiliate his father, thus, his father was causing him to sin. The Gemara there relates that the Sages did not treat this excommunication lightly for a three year period.
We have already mentioned the words of the Rambam who writes that one should not over-burden his children in order not to cause them to act with a lack of respect towards him. Certainly, one must not hit his children excessively, for by doing so he is creating a bigger chance for them to transgress several Torah prohibitions. Maran Ha’Shulchan Aruch indeed rules likewise that a father may not strike his adult son, lest the son be tempted to hit him back, causing the father to transgress the prohibition of “placing a stumbling-block in front of a blind man.”
The Rama writes regarding hitting one’s “adult” son that this does not refer to the age of thirteen; rather, “adult” refers to the age of twenty-two and over, for this is when a son is tempted to strike back at his father. However, the words of the Rama seem correct only with regards to his generation where children would treat their parents with the utmost respect, but in our generation where audacity is rampant, one must, without a doubt, abstain from hitting his son even from a younger age. Similarly, the Ritba writes: “It seems that ‘adult’ does not necessarily mean an actual adult, rather, it all depends on the nature of the child, for we must be concerned that he will strike back, either with words or with actions. Even if he is not of Bar Mitzvah age yet, it is incorrect to cause him strike or curse his father. Rather, one should placate him with words.” Maran zt”l rules accordingly.
The Rambam writes that a schoolteacher (who, in the times of our Sages, would hit his young pupils in order to educate them) may only hit his students with a small belt in order to instill fear in them, however, he may not beat them cruelly and mercilessly; thus, he may not strike them with whips or rods. Maran Harav Ovadia Yosef Shlit”a writes that the same certainly applies to a father as well, that he must seek to act pleasantly and mercifully with his children.
The Sefer Peleh Yo’etz (authored by Hagaon Harav Eliezer Papo, Rav in the city of Silista, province of Dobruja, Bulgaria, approximately two-hundred years ago) writes that even if the child is young, if the parents know that he does not accept authority, as is common in these times where audacity is rampant and children disobey their parents, the parents need clear thinking in order to only speak to their child in soft, pleasant tones.
Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l adds that even when one must hit his son in order to teach him a lesson, it is better for one not to do so when he is angry so as not to hit him more than is necessary as a result of his anger, for if one strikes his child needlessly, his sin is too great to bear, as one who raises his hand to strike his fellow is considered wicked. One must also use wisdom to prevent terrible situations from arising as a result of this, G-d forbid, such as children reporting their parents who hit them to the police, which has happened before.
We must point out though that according to some Torah scholars in our generation (such as Hagaon Harav Shlomo Wolbe zt”l), in our times, one should not hit his children at all, for this can cause an unhealthy and cold relationship to be formed between parents and their children which can lead to very serious ramifications for the duration of the children’s lives. Experience shows that parents who educate their children sternly and in an unyielding way generally tend to see their sons and daughters straying from the proper path and rejecting all that is good and holy to their parents. This is besides the emotional distance between the children and their parents and the lack of involvement of the parents in their children’s lives. All this is because a child in our generation cannot identify with a person who raises him harshly. On the other hand, when a parent educates his children slowly and pleasantly with patience and understanding, he merits having a much more positive kind of connection with his children such that even when they grow older, he will still be able to find the way to their hearts in order to influence them to follow the proper path of growth in spirituality.
Thus, all parents must act wisely when it comes to raising one’s sons and daughters, and one must constantly pray to Hashem that He guide him on the proper path so that he may attain spiritual fulfillment from his children. Mothers must also beseech Hashem that they merit raising their children on the path of the Torah and fear of Heaven, and that it be plain for all to see that their children are the blessed children of Hashem.
