From HaGaon Rav Zevadia HaCohen Shlit”a, The Head of the Batei Din in Tel Aviv
(translated by our dear friend Rav Daniel Levy Shlit”a, Leeds UK)
May a Child Disagree With Their Parents Regarding Which Yeshivah to Study In?
This Shabbat we shall read that whilst Yaakov Avinu was returning to Eretz Yisrael to see his parents Yitzchak and Rivka, he sent angels to his brother Esav. The angels returned and said, “We came to your brother Esav, and he is also heading toward you. He has 400 men with him” (Bereshit 32:7). Immediately, “Yaakov was very frightened and distressed. He divided the people accompanying him into two camps, along with the sheep, cattle and camels” (Bereshit 32:8-9).
It is explained in the Midrash Rabbah (76:2), “Yaakov was afraid,” what was he afraid of? He was fearful from Esav’s merit, who had been in Eretz Yisrael during all these years. He also merited to fulfil the mitzvah of honouring his father and mother. Yaakov was missing these merits during the time that he had spent with Lavan in Charan.
Indeed, the Midrash recognizes Esav’s merits. The Midrash Tanchumah (Parashat Kedoshim 15) says, “Come and see the mitzvah of honouring one’s mother and father, how precious it is to Hashem, to the extent that Hashem doesn’t eliminate the reward of one who fulfils this mitzvah, whether they are righteous or wicked. How is this known? From Esav the wicked one who honoured his father, and Hashem gave him all this honour. Now consider, if this wicked one, for honouring his father, Hashem paid his dues, then one who honours his father and fulfils other mitzvot too, even more so!”
It is further stated in the Midrash Rabbah (65:16), Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said, all my life I served father, yet I didn’t serve him even one hundredth of what Esav served his father. When I served my father I wore regular clothes. Yet Esav had designated garments. Instead I wore unique garments when I went travelling. Esav would wear regal garments when he served his father, saying it is only respectful to wear regal garments when serving father. As the passuk states, “And Rivka took Esav’s best garments, which she had in her keeping” (Bereshit 27:15), Chazal explained this to mean, the unique garments that he wore to serve his father.
However, the Gemara (Megillah 16b) explains, that Yaakov wasn’t punished for the period that he didn’t honour his parents for the years that he was studying Torah. And so it is stated there, Rabba said, Torah-study is greater than honouring parents, because all those years that Yaakov was in the Yeshivah of Ever, he wasn’t punished. Rashi writes there, he studied Torah for 14 years in the Yeshivah of Ever and wasn’t punished for not fulfilling the mitzvah of honouring parents.
In light of this Gemara, Rav Achai Gaon z”l (680-752, from the city of Pumpedita in Modern day Iraq), in his work She’iltot of Rav Achai z”l (Parashat Toldot, she’ilta 19), permitted a young man to study Torah away from home, even though as a result of this he would be prevented from keeping the mitzvah of honouring parents during the time that he is studying Torah.
More than this, Rav Yechiel Michal Epstein z”l (1829-1908), ruled in his work Aruch HaShulchan (YD 240:36), that even though a person who travels away from home for business must request permission from his parents, nevertheless, if he travels to study Torah, he may depart even without his parents’ permission.
Rav Yitzchak Weiss z”l (1902-1989, former head of the Eida Charedit, Yerushalayim [and prior to that Av Bet Din, Manchester, UK]) in his responsa Minchat Yitzchak (9:103), ruled that the mitzvah of honouring parents doesn’t push away the merit [the right] of the son to study Torah where he desires, and therefore the parents may not interfere in this.
However, not all agree, in contrast, Rav Pinchas HaLevi Horowitz z”l (1731-1805) the author of the work known as “HaMakneh” (Kiddushin 31a) is of the opinion that [there are two distinct components], there is honouring parents (honour your father and mother, Shemot 20:12) and being in awe of parents (every person shall fear their mother and father, Vayikra 19:3). The difference between them is that concerning honouring parents, it is an obligation regardless of the parents requesting, therefore the child is required to initiate this. Whereas regarding being in awe of parents, the intention is not to disobey the parents after they have expressed their wishes.
Accordingly, Rav Horowitz carefully analysed the Gemara’s wording. The Gemara says, Torah-study is greater than “honouring parents”, but the inference is not greater than “being in awe of parents”. Therefore, when the place of studying Torah is being discussed, for example, studying away from home or which yeshivah to attend, but not concerning the question whether to learn Torah per se [since they are in agreement with Torah-study], if his view is contrary to his parents’ views, then according to all opinions he must listen to his parents, since his opinion doesn’t negate the mitzvah of being in awe of parents. And so the reason why Yaakov wasn’t punished is because he went with his parents’ consent and so in no way transgressed their wishes but was simply unable to honour them during this time.
Shabbat Shalom!
